BEST. CHRISTMAS. EVER.

Christmas was pretty sweet this year. My mom gave me, from my late grandmother's kitchen, the Modern Encyclopedia of Cooking by Meta Givens. If you don't know about this things, it's epic. I've always experienced it as two hard-bound volumes full of classic recipes and food preparation/storage techniques and the science behind from-scratch cooking. This version, published in 1953 (its original copyright date is 1947) is a single volume. 1700 pages, illustrated and full of opinionated musings and straight-up strategy on how to work your kitchen like a tasty machine.

It also contains a menu for a full year, breakfast lunch and dinner. If I had the time, I'd attempt to follow it, starting with the first night's dinner: stuffed beef hearts.

I don't have that kind of time, but I'm going to explore this thing at every opportunity. Starting, of course, with appetizers. After all, who can resist morsels described thusly:

Canapes are midget open-face sandwiches charmingly decorated.

GENUS: Elves SPECIES: Not Santa's

Backstory:

1) My kid is obsessed with Youtube. He thinks it contains all earthly knowledge. It’s like the apple given to Eve, but with a kick-ass soundtrack.

2) My husband is currently reading The Hobbit to my son.

Story:

Over the weekend, I get out of the shower to find my kind on my laptop. He gives me a guilty side-eye and sinks in his chair. I check it out and find that he’s muted and paused what appears to be a “behind the scenes” clip from Lord of the Rings.

Me: You know you aren’t supposed to be on my computer, and you’re never supposed to use Youtube without permission.

Him: I know. *squirms* But, Mom…what is this?

Me: You know The Hobbit?

Him: Yes.

Me: This is Rivendell. Where the elves lives.

Him: We haven’t gotten to that part yet. *leans in closer, examining the details of the architecture, then glances up* The elves that help Santa?

Me: No. Bigger elves. They’re bigger than hobbits, as tall as or taller than humans. More swords, fewer toy workshops. Now, off my computer.

Him: Okay. *runs off*

I checked his search history. He’d searched for “The hobbit” four times – misspelled each time – then  “Mario and Luigi” – spelled correctly – then “Luigi wins”, then "Mario gets mad", then “funny cat videos, no swords”.

YEAR END, BEST OF

Thrilled to share that Suspense Magazine has named CARNIEPUNK a "best anthology of 2013".

Their review is here, or you can pick up the magazine at their website.