Tuesday, April 24, 2012


I got a call from a doctor's office today - a specialist, not even a doctor - that I'd been waiting a few days for. I've been referred to specialist clinics before for this or that, but got in quickly and saw PAs and nurses, mostly, with maybe a two minute visit from a doctor. Or he might have just conversed with the nurse or PA outside my room, after which they told me to go home. Then they sent a bill for eleventy billion dollars and we were done.

So I got the call from the specialists and they told me they could squeeze me in sometime in June, which blew my mind because I've always considered specialists to be like the SWAT of doctors. [Doc SWAT, coming to Spike this fall] But instead, it appears they're overburdened doctors with a real good idea of how specific systems and organs work. Whatever. So I gave the woman my info and confirmed the appointment and hung up.

An hour later I get a call from the same office, from a woman who sounded the same. I immediately panicked, certain someone else saw my referral form or chart or whatever and determined that I needed to come in STAT. Like my symptoms indicated an expiration date. And that date was 5 p.m. today. But no, it was just that they had written my name down two different ways, which she seemed to find highly suspicious, but which I pointed out was probably just a typo on one of them. So she asked how it should be spelled, J-A-C-Q-U-E-S or J-A-C-Q-U-E-Z. As if anybody outside of the porn business has the last name Jacquez*. And then I worried that they might think I was in the porn business, which would lead them to asking me all kinds of porn-specific questions when I got there - in June - and I wouldn't be able to answer most of them, and then they'd think there was something really wrong with me.

I guess the moral to the story is to use your spellcheck or, I don't know, read the papers you were given. Save a neurotic writer from a spontaneous meltdown.

*Apologies to all the people who really have this as either a first or last night. I'm sure you're all fine people. If this is both your first and last name, let's just pretend we don't know each other, 'kay?


  1. You should totally run with "Jacquez," because then people will Google cool things like "Hillary Jacquez feet" and find you.

    It's possible I might know this because there IS a porn star called Alex Adams, and at least once per week someone looking for her feet finds me. Or so I've heard.

    Which reminds me, I have to go and find a picture of some feet for my blog... You know, just in case my fan who isn't MY fan comes back. Because I'm accommodating like that (come for the feet, buy a book!)

    1. "Come for the feet" is such a disturbing catch phrase. :P

      I would love to think that someone who searched for this porn star's feet and instead found your site would be so grateful that you'd gone through the trouble to show them some lovely feet (provided you're going to post lovely ones) that they would buy the book as thanks. But then, I'm a romantic.

  2. ...and this is why you should blog more often ;)

  3. Yes. Hillaree Jacquez is a well-known feet pr0n performer.

  4. Ha. Now I'm sad I don't have an easily poarnified last name :( Damn you, Hillary, for making me sad 'first' thing in the morning.

    Also, for some reason it won't let me post under my WP account. Whyyyy. So, it is I, 10.

  5. Waaay to make me look silly, Blogspot.