Sunday, May 1, 2011


Tweeeeeet <--that's the sound of a whistle being blown.

Why, you ask? Because we're taking a time out to talk parenting. Specifically, potty-training, that surreal period of time in which one or more humans employ every trick in their arsenal, as well as stooping to things like bribery and begging, to convince another human (or possibly an alien-monkey hybrid) not to poo in his own pants.

Granted, it's a new human (hopefully), but it's still another person refusing to not poo in his own pants. And it's awful. Just soul-searingly awful.

We've reached the point where our new human recognizes the need to poo (hereinafter referred to as the Poo Instinct), considers pulling down his scientifically-engineered pull-downable pants and utilizing the device specifically purchased for him to poo in, then says nahhhhh, not gonna do it.

I'm not sure what to do. When a person decides not to do something related to the Poo Instinct, there isn't much an outsider can do to force the correct reaction to the Poo Instinct. So, I've decided to put my college degree to work. It's English, for the record. I'm going to use all my skills of composition, borrowing of other's fine works, and rhetoric to attempt -once and for all- to get my son to use the potty. If you would like to try this at home, then feel free to borrow the following. I give you:

The Poo Manifesto

When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one (tiny) person to poo, and to assume among the powers of nature a separate and equal location for his used sustenance, a decent respect to the olfactory sensibilities of mankind requires that this (tiny) person should remove himself and make use of the throne-shaped potty so highly recommended by Consumer Reports.*

Now we are engaged in a great and unbelievably frustrating time, testing whether this household, or any household, so conceived and so dedicated to the principal of not pooing in one's own pants (possibly while standing in the kitchen playing with an exceedingly irritating parrot toy from a McDonald's Happy Meal) can long endure.**

To thine own Poo (Instinct) be true; and it must follow, as the day the night, though canst not then reduce thine mother to tears and unproductive gagging.***

*Declaration of Independence
**Gettysburg Address


  1. I am soooo hearing you right now. Our new human (but not the newEST human in our house - I honestly think she'll be pooping in the loo before our other new human) spent half an hour (on two separate occasions) on the toilet seat yesterday, but to no avail. What did he do? He waited until I gave up and put his nappy pants on before doing his poo.

    *Cue disgruntled groan* :/

  2. A-thank you, Kristin!

    Jaime, I know!!! He'll spend a half hour (this translates into reading five books, or one book five times) in close proximity to an appropriate receptacle. And...nothing. As soon as he's free, it is on! Anyway, I'm reading him this speech tonight. Hopefully that'll do the trick.

  3. Hillary, I love the post. Would you consider including it in This Book is Sh*t!, a humorous non-fiction anthology I'm putting together? Check out our facebook page for the rundown of what the book is all about:

    Thanks, and good work!

  4. Hi Garrett. Thank you for the kind words, but I'm not looking to publish this post at this time. Best of luck with the anthology!

  5. No worries. If you change your mind or have something better suited, I'd love to have you aboard. We have some awesome writers involved and the book has lots of commercial potential. Keep up the good work.